


Principal's Office

by MadSoullessQueen



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2019-04-15 23:45:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14151999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadSoullessQueen/pseuds/MadSoullessQueen
Summary: Cobra and Lucy are stuck dealing with another one of Hemlock's science experiments; three million jewels worth of damage, but zero deaths. Cobra reflects on their parenting abilities, his life with his crazy wife and the fact he can see up her skirt. Rated M because it's CoLu, so there's swearing and some antics a kid should never have as blackmail material.





	Principal's Office

"He's your son." Lucy said as she plopped down in the waiting room chair.

"I know." Erik put his head into his hands. Good boy and he's mommy's; bad boy and suddenly he gets blamed. Not like he could have predicted their kid would have his poison ability and her level of crazy.

"I'm going to go grey before he finishes high school." She sighed and leaning over she rested her head on his shoulder.

Cobra kissed the top of her head. "I know, already winning that race Sunshine." The grey hairs started moving in around his temples a few weeks ago.

"How bad is the bill this time?"

"Three million after hospital expenses and redoing the air filtration system of the science wing." So far they were taking S-class jobs just to keep up with his expenses. Their son was awesome at two things, being totally crazy (mom's fault really) and science.

"Can't we just sell him to the gypsies?" She sighed.

"No can do Sunshine, we tried remember?" They really didn't, but it was fun to joke about the concept. It actually kept their son in line until he was twelve and found out that gypsies don't buy babies. Also he was past the expiration date for what they purchase if they still did.

"What about handing him to Mira? She was so desperate for us to get together and have babies." Lucy asked and she did have a point. Ever since he danced with her at the guild's Valentine's Day party (on a fucking dare, thank you blue balls) Mira did everything to get them together.

Cobra couldn't really complain too hard about that. The last seventeen years of being with Lucy and having Hemlock was like a dream come true. Until the little stinker decided that he really wanted to be a mad scientist when he grew up. Lock definitely had both versions of the word mad down. The kid was crazier than both of them together and had their anger issues.

"Sure, how do you want the apocalypse, extra crispy or original flavor?" A valid question, add in Lock with Mira's kids and it was goodbye world!

Lucy bounced up in her seat. "Oh we should have chicken tonight."

"Sunshine, don't ever fucking change." He kissed her guild mark; loving how quickly she could keep up with his mindlessness. Also, her home made fried chicken with cyanide BBQ sauce was his favorite. Next to that one thing she does with her tongue when the kid isn't around.

"Mr. and Mrs. Heartfilia?" They both sighed and slowly stood up. Cobra didn't have a last name so when they married, he took hers.

That was a great day.

He decided it as he woke up that morning and looked at her all curled up next to him. So, he gave her a hit of chloroform, carried her very sexy butt to the guild, screamed at Gramps to do the ceremony before she's fully conscious and married her in her pajamas. Erik knew if he waited for her logical mind to kick in, she'd get all weird about it. Her soul always said differently, so that was as much consent as he needed.

"Please Erik and Lucy by now, we see you so often." She said as they walked into Mr. Whatever-his-Name's office. Lucky for him, Lucy was the people person; all he had to do was not kill anyone.

"I'm assuming we'll have the standard payment plan?" Lucy asked.

"Yes, but this time Hemlock Heartfilia is going to be expelled. We've tried, but frankly your son has issues and we can no longer accommodate the damage he causes." Mr. Moron-of-the-Year said. The smug guy just sat back in his chair and leered at the parents.

"What? He has the right to an education!" Lucy stood straight up and leaned over the guy's desk. Her soul went from angelic choir to heavy metal death mode. Cobra leaned back a little and got to sneak a peak at her red lacy panties.

"So do the other kids he almost killed with his little gas experiment." The guy went straight to red.

"Almost, very important word you little overpaid worm." She snapped back.

 _I'm going to skin this fucker, tan his hide and make new bitch boots out of him. Then feed his entrails to my fucking rose bush._ Her soul was so much fun to listen to and his imagination had a great time picturing those boots. Then again she wasn't wearing anything else, so that helped.

He loved her like this but it wasn't helping anything other than his twisted sense of humor. So he tickled the back of her knee and let her glare at him. "Can't educate 'em if they are dead Sunshine."

Her attention went back to Mr Stupid-of-the-Year; "More like can't sock the parents for the stupidly high tuition if they are dead."

"Either way, Hemlock is a very bright child…"

Cobra snorted, "The kid has a four point two GPA, he damn well better be smart." Now that he got from his mom, god Lucy was so intelligent it was like you couldn't classify her. Yet somehow she managed to never make him feel like an idiot.

"GPA only proves how much bullshit he can tolerate, it's not indicative of IQ just how much work he does." Lucy corrected and Cobra knew better than to push.

They had this talk over and over again. She doesn't believe that a parent should ever tell their kids that they are smart but tell them they are hard working and excellent problem solvers. This way they keep working hard and blah blah blah, she said other stuff but he pretty much had her clothes off at that point.

"The judgment is final." Mr. Seriously-does-this-Guy-have-a-Name, said.

"I'd like to see the letter from the school board."

"Excuse me?"

"The school board, you cannot just expel without authorization from the school board. Also I'd like to have the incident report…" His wife went into her full 'thou does not fuck with my child' mode.

Erik leaned back and put his hands behind his head. Still enjoying the view up his wife's skirt. He was cataloging everything he was doing to her tonight, after they dealt with Hemlock. That kid, he loved him but wow, some days he really felt he was over his head.

"And furthermore, I expect all that accomplished within seventy two hours. Do you understand Mr. Jacobsen?" She stood up and turned to look over at her husband. Within the span of a nanosecond she went from 'fuck your soul' to "Mr. Heartfilia, let's go home baby." Complete with rainbow happy sunshine smile and voice tone.

Cobra stood up, adjusted his pants and turned to follow his wife out the door. He paused for a moment, looking at the principal, "don't get embarrassed, my wife can always make a guy rock hard and piss himself in fear at the same time."

He followed behind his wife as she marched like she was leading an army of demons. Oh it was her walk of doom and it was sexy. Lucy was still growling when Cobra got the best idea ever. Coming up to the right was a cleaning supply closet, so he grabbed his wife's arm and pushed her in there.

Erik pushed her up against the wall and kissed her like there was no tomorrow. Some of the supplies scattered around the floor but he didn't care. Sometimes a man just has needs and with a wife as hot as his, you just don't wait till you get home.

"Hemlock ever gets this idea into his head, I'll blame you." Lucy hissed.

"Shut up, it's your fault."

"Oh really?" She pulled on his earring with her teeth, damn he loved that.

"Sunshine, shut up and either remove the panties nicely or I rip them off." He growled as he dropped his pants as fast as possible.

* * *

Outside of the cleaning closet a certain blonde haired boy was walking down the hall. The principal said his parents just left which was obvious by the lack of them and that the guy was white as a ghost and he swore he smelt piss in the room.  _Someone dealt with mom in crazy protective bitch mode._

He could smell his parents, almost like he was right on top of them. A noise caught his attention from the cleaning supply closet.

"Oh god yes! Come on baby I love your anaconda." He heard and his brows rose.  _Seriously mom, snake references?_

His parents were getting their freak on in the cleaning supply closet. Which was both simultaneously awesome and scary at the same time. One day when he found a chick as psychotic and beautiful as mom, he hoped to be as stupidly in love as them.

Hemlock always in need of good blackmail material; pulled out his phone and turned on the camera.

"Fuck Sunshine, too damn tight." His father growled.  _Wow dad, get you some!_

Hemlock was trying like hell to not laugh listening to this. "So going to need therapy for the next eighty years." He whispered before he ripped opened the door and snapped his images.

"Lock!" His parents yelled as he shut the door again.

Trying to not look too closely at the pictures, he sent one to both his parents with the message of "So about that car I wanted?"


End file.
